What’s Wrong With Me And What Should I Do?
I’m an 18 year old male and I’m going to be a senior in high school this year. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink and I’m still a virgin. I masturbate a lot, watch porn/fetish videos and draw artwork featuring anime/cartoon characters in fetish situations that I post on the internet.
I’ve had to deal with a lot of bullying and harassment from other kids at school. I’d cry a lot, cut myself and contemplate suicide. Near the end of last year, I had to go to a psychiatric hospital for a week where I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. I was given special medication to take, I see a therapist every few weeks and things have gotten a lot better.
One of my big issues is that I feel alone in the world a lot… I don’t have many friends and I have lots of issues with my parents and family… I like to write and I’ve been working on writing my own fantasy story that focuses on a relationship between a teenage boy and his adopted younger sister, who is based off the late child actress Heather O’Rourke from the Poltergeist films….
I work as a lifeguard at a local sports club. There’s a girl there, about 10 years old now, with blond hair and blue eyes, who reminds me of Heather O’Rourke for some reason… She’s really perky and outgoing. I don’t know why, but I have this messed up obsession with this girl.
Last summer, while I was working at the pool and had to watch the tennis kids play water polo, she talked to me and we ended up in a conversation for a little while. Later, she was waiting with her brothers at the pool for her parents to pick them up. She was playing with a ball and it kept going into the pool and I had to fish it out for her. I was visiting my friend at his new house, I saw her playing outside on the neighbors lawn with some other kids. I asked my friend about this because I was curious about whether that was her or not and it turned out her cousins live there.
Later, this summer, after my whole depression episode, when she and the other kids were playing in the pool, she took off this green ribbon thingy she had in her hair and left it by the pool. I found it after she left and she even came back to the pool for a second and I tried to give it to her, but she couldn’t hear me from where she was. I wanted to give it back to her the next time I saw her but I somehow ripped it accidentally. The next time I worked there I actually placed it around the pool, like on chairs, thinking she might pick it up or ask for it back. I saw her looking at it for a while but she didn’t do anything, so I’ve been holding onto it this whole time. When one of the tennis coaches left their clipboard alone, I looked at it and found out her full name. The club I work at has a facebook page and I found a lot of pictures of her on it. I also discovered that her family was featured on an Internet Web Show where their house was remodeled and discovered she lives like 20 minutes from where I live. I download the episode and all the youtube videos as well as the photos I found of her because I’m afraid I might not ever see her again.
So… I’m thinking I’ve got some sort of behavioral/obsession problem. Nobody knows about this but me. I don’t know if I’m sick in the head, if it’s because this girl reminds me Heather O’Rourke, or because she reminds me also of a character I’m trying to write for a book and I’m basing her off this actual person… Maybe it’s all of both. Maybe I’m just thinking too much or my minds all messed up from the stuff I’ve been through… But for some reason I just really wish I could see this girl more and talk to her like I did before. I wish she was like my cousin or something.
Anyway, I’m sorry for what I’ve done and I want to know what to do about this situation… And what should I do if I see this girl in the future?
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grewm a cat
You might not see her. Find someone else.
I suspect what’s “wrong with” you is that your parents have been unable to give you some of what you need (perhaps like *their* parents). If so, you may have psychological “wounds” like these:http://sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds.htmhttp://sfhelp.org/gwc/gwc.htm
If so, the answer is not medication, but this:http://sfhelp.org/gwc/recover.htm
You are lonely and your emotional problems have perhaps meant that you have missed out on some experiences which are usually part and parcel of growing up and reaching the age of 18. I am not suggesting that you are mentally immature (your text is lucid, fluent and certainly indicative of talent as a writer), but you are certainly emotionally immature in some areas. I don’t have to be psychic to guess that you are shy and awkward when talking to girls of your own age – heck, every guy with a good heart and a sensitive soul struggles when it comes to taking the first steps in dating and forming more adult relationships with the opposite sex…it’s nothing to be ashamed about, you’re not alone in that kind of issue – 99% of guys go through it, though you might not realise that because very few of us are honest enough or sure enough of ourselves to come out and say it. It’s likely that you find the 10 year old girl attractive for a couple of related reasons. The emotionally immature part of you is still trying to catch up with your chronological age and you find it easier to talk to any girl who is not sexually active or more ‘sophisticated’ than you are in social matters. You are smart enough to know that even getting closer to a girl as young as 10 is asking for trouble – there are stalker laws in many states which make it a crime to intrude on anybody’s privacy or peace of mind. One wrong step at this stage could throw all the progress you have made into the trashcan and ruin the rest of your life. Let me spell it out for you (because this is important) nobody wants to employ adult males who have a record for chasing after little girls, nobody welcomes child-molesters into their family or social circle. You already have an outlet for your feelings – a safe and legal outlet – your writing. Many writers – many famous and sucessful writers – have sublimated and directed illegal or anti-social thoughts and desires into their written work. Look at Edgar Allan Poe’s obsession with Necrophilia! Look at Mendal Johnson’s “Let’s Go Play At The Adams’” – a novel which is full of bondage, rape and worse stuff. Both Poe and Johnson made a (probably unconscious) decision to vent their needs and feelings into print. You can do the same – use your emotions, frustrations and unwanted directions as fuel for your fiction.
Honestly I believe we all have weaknesses. Some of us just give into those weaknesses easier, and that’s what you’re doing. We all have these unfulfilled needs and we find something that fulfills it for us. Sometimes it winds up being an unhealthy obsession. Yours just happens to be a fascination with a little girl, which is very unhealthy, but at least you recognize your problem, which is the first step.
The next step is to break away from your obsession. This girl fulfills something for you, some emotional need that is hard to fulfill so you use her as kind of a crutch. You need to start cutting off all the thoughts you have about her and replace them with something else. I would say you need to build up your will power. Start building your self-esteem, because aside from your flaws (which everyone has, we ALL have flaws), you seem like a very caring person. Start being more positive about the things you tell yourself.
Also, try to interact with people your own age. I’m not saying it’s bad to talk to kids, but seeing you have this problem you need to force yourself to interact with people your own age. Remember, you’re not alone in this world at all. There are people just like you thinking the same thing, and just waiting for someone like you to reach out to them. All you need to do is reach out, care about them and listen. You’d be surprised by how quickly people open up when they find someone who is willing to listen and care about them. It just takes the right attitude and saying all the right things.
I’m not sure if you’re going to college or not, but maybe join a local technical college, pick up one or two classes, talk to the people there. Get your mind occupied with something… Go to church and join some kind of group, idk. It’s all about putting yourself out there and forcing yourself to get out of your comfort zone. You never know who you’ll meet. You might meet your future spouse somewhere and they’ll fulfill these unfulfilled emotional needs for you.
I just want you to know I have an obsession of my own. I also have some kind of unfulfilled need and I am constantly battling with my thoughts of a guy who fulfills them for me. Every waking moment is a battle, and you need to just focus on your future and all the steps you need to take to become a better person, a successful person.
So what’s wrong with you? You’re a human being. We all have our problems, our weaknesses. It’s just a matter of overcoming them. You see a problem, then slowly try to fix it. It takes a lot of willpower and strength but you can overcome this.
What do you do when you see this girl? Force yourself to pretend like she’s a stranger. Cut off this fascination for her before it gets worse. Just try to stay away from her. Will it be easy? No, it won’t. But find the strength within yourself to break away and let go, I know you can.