I’m an 18 year old male and I’m going to be a senior in high school this year. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink and I’m still a virgin. I masturbate a lot, watch porn/fetish videos and draw artwork featuring anime/cartoon characters in fetish situations that I post on the internet.
I’ve had to deal with a lot of bullying and harassment from other kids at school. I’d cry a lot, cut myself and contemplate suicide. Near the end of last year, I had to go to a psychiatric hospital for a week where I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. I was given special medication to take, I see a therapist every few weeks and things have gotten a lot better.
One of my big issues is that I feel alone in the world a lot… I don’t have many friends and I have lots of issues with my parents and family… I like to write and I’ve been working on writing my own fantasy story that focuses on a relationship between a teenage boy and his adopted younger sister, who is based off the late child actress Heather O’Rourke from the Poltergeist films….
I work as a lifeguard at a local sports club. There’s a girl there, about 10 years old now, with blond hair and blue eyes, who reminds me of Heather O’Rourke for some reason… She’s really perky and outgoing. I don’t know why, but I have this messed up obsession with this girl.
Last summer, while I was working at the pool and had to watch the tennis kids play water polo, she talked to me and we ended up in a conversation for a little while. Later, she was waiting with her brothers at the pool for her parents to pick them up. She was playing with a ball and it kept going into the pool and I had to fish it out for her. I was visiting my friend at his new house, I saw her playing outside on the neighbors lawn with some other kids. I asked my friend about this because I was curious about whether that was her or not and it turned out her cousins live there.
Later, this summer, after my whole depression episode, when she and the other kids were playing in the pool, she took off this green ribbon thingy she had in her hair and left it by the pool. I found it after she left and she even came back to the pool for a second and I tried to give it to her, but she couldn’t hear me from where she was. I wanted to give it back to her the next time I saw her but I somehow ripped it accidentally. The next time I worked there I actually placed it around the pool, like on chairs, thinking she might pick it up or ask for it back. I saw her looking at it for a while but she didn’t do anything, so I’ve been holding onto it this whole time. When one of the tennis coaches left their clipboard alone, I looked at it and found out her full name. The club I work at has a facebook page and I found a lot of pictures of her on it. I also discovered that her family was featured on an Internet Web Show where their house was remodeled and discovered she lives like 20 minutes from where I live. I download the episode and all the youtube videos as well as the photos I found of her because I’m afraid I might not ever see her again.
So… I’m thinking I’ve got some sort of behavioral/obsession problem. Nobody knows about this but me. I don’t know if I’m sick in the head, if it’s because this girl reminds me Heather O’Rourke, or because she reminds me also of a character I’m trying to write for a book and I’m basing her off this actual person… Maybe it’s all of both. Maybe I’m just thinking too much or my minds all messed up from the stuff I’ve been through… But for some reason I just really wish I could see this girl more and talk to her like I did before. I wish she was like my cousin or something.
Anyway, I’m sorry for what I’ve done and I want to know what to do about this situation… And what should I do if I see this girl in the future?